Secret Santa
by highonpixistixs
Summary: Pein gets an outrageous idea to make the Akatsuki members participate in a foreign tradition called 'Secret Santa'. Chaos ensues as the Akatusuki try their best to get each other the perfect present. Lots of swearing. General sillyness. And HidanXItachi!


How unfair, I just found out there is another fanfic with the same title as mine. Except that one has Pein x Konan. My fanfic is more Hidancentric, I wanted it to be more relationship oriented but Hidan is too damn funny to not make it all about him. There is lot more cursing in this than the rest of my stories but please bear with me. I might have gotten into the Hidan persona a little _too_ much.

Disclaimer: I do not own anything. Damn you Kishimoto, I shall have power over your free will one day.

Warnings: Crack pairing alert! Swearing!Hidan and one Pms'ing! Konan, otherwise known as OOC! Konan. But can you blame me? Her character would be more lively if she was pms'ing anyways.

This is for Hana-noAkutai from the forums. This is my _very_ belated Christmas present for you! Enjoy! No lemon or lime cause hell it's long enough as is. It's over six thousand words, dammit! XD So enjoy this lemon-less, rather crackish, non-angsty story of mine.

* * *

_**Secret Santa...**_

Pein has always been known to be a very controlling man by the rest of the Akatsuki members. Even his partner, Konan, has admitted it during a drunken confessional ("That bastard wanted me to call him '_God_' when we made love! Could you believe him?"). Zetsu has also divulged in secret to the other members that he wouldn't mind biting off his over-inflated head one of these days. But no one has ever been as vocal about his displeasure towards the leader of Akatsuki than Hidan, the Jashinism-worshiping masochist. So was it any wonder that he was the first person to protest against the newest project that Akatsuki was forced to be engaged in?

"What the _fuck_ is a 'Secret Santa'?" the platinum-blond haired man interrupted loudly in the middle of Pein's speech. Pein glared down at him from the long dining table. It was bad enough that Hidan stubbornly sits at the head of the opposite end of the table, belittling his authority and making him think that he is an equal to him, but to interrupt him during his well rehearsed speech that he spent hours in the mirror preparing…

"As I was just about to elaborate," Pein said through gritted teeth. "It is a tradition that friends and colleagues take part in where they write their name on a piece of paper and fold it up and drop it in a bowl of some sort. You mix up all the papers in the bowl and they each have to pick out a name from the bowl. Whoever's name you end up with, you have to buy them a present."

"Presents??" piped up Tobi jumping up and down in his seat in excitement. "I love presents!!"

"Well that's a rip-off," groused Kakuzu as he shot Tobi a weird look. "Why the hell would I buy a present for anyone of you?"

"Simple, because you'll be getting one in return," answered Pein politely.

"I guess that's not so bad," mused Kakuzu. He then looked down the table at the other members and growled warningly, "You better not skimp on my present, you bastards."

"The only cheapskate in here is you, Kakuzu," said Deidara pointing his fork at the man. "Anyways, I think that's a great idea," said Deidara, his mouth still stuffed with food. "Presents are fun, un!"

Hidan slammed his palms on the table suddenly, making the silverware clatter. "Presents? _Presents?_Are we really the same horde of blood-thirsty villains set on taking over the world like that damned brochure said when I had joined…"started Hidan, his voice rising with each word he uttered. "Or are we a bunch of pansies who get forced to go to silly little meetings such as last weeks dreadful 'Fish are friends, not food' meeting, Kisame put us through! And the week before that where Zetsu taught us how to arrange flowers! Now you want us to buy each other_ presents_?! What are we in fucking kindergarten?!" roared Hidan as he ferociously ripped out the 'Remember, fish are friends. NOT food.' badge from his robe, showing off even more of his torso than usual.

Itachi's head tilted up slightly at this, but this action was missed by the other members of the group who stared on incredulously as Hidan breathed heavily setting his teeth in a grit, nearly ripping off the paper tablecloth decorated beautifully by Konan's special origami technique.

"Listen you!" snarled Pein, pointing at Hidan."I'm the leader here and if you don't want to listen to me then you don't get to participate in this event and you won't get a present."

"You fucking bastard Leader, who gives a shit about the presents?!" Hidan screamed across the table at Pein, throwing the badge at his head. But his anger affected his aim and it allowed Pein to easily dodge the hurled object. Kisame gave a sniff of disapproval at Hidan's action, miffed that the precious badges that he worked so hard on making were being thrown across the room as if they meant nothing.

Kakuzu spoke up as usual when it came to matters concerning Hidan's insubordination. He pulled Hidan down and whispered furiously, "Geez, couldn't you at least go along with Leader-sama on this one thing? What the hell do you have against him anyways?"

"What do I have against him?! Oh let me tell you what _I_ have against him. The bastard calls himself 'God' and we all know there is only ONE God and that is Lord Jashin-sama!" Hidan said in a loud whisper. He turned his attention back to Pein and hissed, "Blasphemer! I hope you burn in Hell!"

But Pein had completely ignored him adding onto Hidan's annoyance. The other Akatsuki members temporarily stopped eating and watched in amusement as Hidan continued to tear at the tablecloth in frustration while Pein continued sipping at his soup calmly, eyes closed paying no mind to the man that was fuming right in front of him.

Pein finally set down his soup bowl and cleared his throat. He continued on with his speech as if Hidan hadn't interrupted them at all and said, "All in favor of participating in this event raise your hand."

Tobi's hand shot up immediately, followed by Deidara's enthusiastic hand/mouths. Sasori followed shortly after, rolling his eyes as Deidara glared at him to raise his hand. Kisame put up his hand and raised Itachi's hand for him, as he was too bored to raise his own. Zetsu raised his hand as well, as did Kakuzu and Konan. Pein raised his hand last, giving Hidan a hard glare. The rest of the members turned to Hidan expectantly. He was turning red fast with anger until finally he gave in.

"FINE!" he bellowed. He sat down in his seat with a pout on his face as he muttered, "Goddamn bastard Leader...thinks he can boss me around...fucking prick..."

"Anyways," said Pein with a cough bringing the Akatsuki member's attention back to him. "I've already written down each one of your names and will now distribute them to you so that you could pick."

He turned to Konan who nodded in response. She raised up her right hand and sheets of paper floated up one by one, each one folding itself up so that it made a perfect origami crane. All ten cranes then circled around mixing them up indefinitely. The cranes flew to Zetsu who sat across from her. He calmly reached out and picked one crane. Just as he was about to open it Pein held his hand before he could.

"We shall all open it at the same time," he said to him. Zetsu nodded and kept the crane in his hand.

Next the cranes moved on to Tobi who sat to the right of Zetsu. Tobi could barely contain his excitement at being the next one to pick.

"This one is so pretty- No but this one is sooo cute!!- But this one's cuter- But this one's adorable-" he flailed indecisively as if he was picking out a puppy. "They're all so adorable!! I can't choose!!" wailed Tobi. Zetsu sighed beside him and said, "Close your eyes and just pick one."

"'K," sniffed Tobi. He closed his eyes and reached out for one of the cranes. He opened his eyes and shrieked in joy and then proceeded to coo at how 'adorably cute and pretty' it was.

The cranes had moved on and went to Sasori next who just picked out some random crane, letting out a sigh of boredom. Deidara wasn't so nonchalant about it as his partner was and just like Tobi he was having a dilemma over which one to pick but not over which one is cuter.

"Argh! None of these represent true art! I refuse to touch this abomination."

Everything went silent. The people at the table looked at Konan and gulped in anticipation to her rebuttal. This _week_, of all _weeks_, was seriously _not_ the time to go piss off that woman. Seconds went by as the normally impassive woman's face slowly twisted into a dark scowl. Pein made a slight movement to the right getting closer to Zetsu. Sasori who was watching the entire thing up close was starting to regret his _wonderful_ decision of sitting next to a woman on her period.

"Psh, I mean seriously you call this a crane, it looks more like a paper airplane than anything. True art is very hard to find nowadays-"

That did it. The seemingly harmless little cranes turned into razor-blade sharp, killer cranes who immediately dived down at Deidara's face, pecking at him ferociously. The blond-haired man screamed in pain and tried to duck under the table but the cranes pursued him furiously.

"I give! I give! The cranes are _fucking_ _beautiful_! There I said it!" yelled Deidara trying to cover his face.

The cranes gave him one last peck before they fluttered away from him. Deidara flinched as he touched his face which was bruised and cut beyond recognition. Paper cuts are always a bitch to handle. He whimpered and reached out to pick a crane. The crane snipped at his hand making him yell out in pain again.

Kisame was the next one to pick. After seeing what these cranes could do, he was very careful with how he handled them. He smiled his big, sharky grin as he reached out cautiously and picked a crane. They flocked towards Itachi next, who swiped at a random crane like Sasori did, not caring who he got.

It was Kakuzu's turn next and he made sure to prolong his decision just to ruffle his partner's feathers even more. "Now which one shall I choose, hmm?"

"JUST PICK ONE ALREADY, YOU BASTARD!" Hidan roared at his partner, spraying out as much spittle in his face as possible. Kakuzu twitched as he muttered, "Eww, gross." He smacked Hidan over the head in annoyance.

He wiped the spit off his face and grabbed one of the last four birds. Just as Hidan was about to reach out to get one, the cranes quickly changed directions and went to the opposite end of the table where Pein sat with a smirk on his face. Hidan's mouth dropped at the injustice of it all, but Pein just continued smiling smugly as he chose his crane. His blue-haired partner was the next to choose a crane. And then finally the last, remaining crane fluttered over to Hidan, who looked as if he was about to burst with joy.

"Oh yay!" he shouted out, with a little ridiculous skip. The other members turned to look at him with a raised brow. "Ahem-I mean psh I don't care about this stupid thing," he said looking away with a slight blush. A certain raven-haired man smirked slightly at this albeit, 'cute' gesture but again it went unnoticed by the other members who were all muttering a disbelieving, "_Uh-Huh_"

"Now that we've all _finally_ got one, you may now open them," said an exhausted Pein. "Discreetly mind you. After you open them I suggest you destroy the paper immediately. You don't want anyone to find out who you got. So, on the count of three then. One, Two, Three..."

There was a ruffling of paper as each member opened their crane, eyes widening as they found out who they got. Only one member seemed to be smiling at what he got but it had yet again went unobserved by the unsuspecting Akatsuki members. Closing the paper and sending each other suspicious sideways glances, they each destroyed the piece of paper their own way.

Konan simply shredded the paper and rejoined it into her body. Itachi burned it with a minor fire jutsu. Pein and Sasori seemed to have the same idea in mind as they did the same. Deidara _ate_ it. As did Kisame, Zetsu and Kakuzu (you'll find that the Akatsuki aren't very imaginative at all). Tobi was at least a little creative with how he disposed of the paper however creepy it might have looked because he decided to stuff the piece of paper down his pants for some reason. And Hidan, he hacked it to pieces with his scythe.

Along with the rest of the table.

"You're paying for that," Pein sighed from across the side of table that wasn't butchered.

* * *

_**Presents galore?**_

All the Akatsuki members were back at the base a week after they made their plans for the special event. They each had been given the opportunity to go out and buy their present from the neighboring villages. They now sat at the meeting room waiting impatiently as Pein got up from his seat and cleared his throat.

"Now has everyone bought their presents?" The people in the room grumbled back a response."Alright, now who wants to go first?"

Tobi shot his hand up enthusiastically. Pein sighed and said, "Go ahead Tobi."

"I got Sasori-danna!" shouted Tobi jovially. He skipped over to Sasori and handed him his present. Sasori looked at him with a raised brow and opened it. It was a book.

"What is this?" asked Sasori slowly, examining what looked to be a children's book.

"It's called Pinocchio! It's about a puppet who wished he was a _real boy_, kind of like you!" said Tobi oblivious to the killer intent that seeped out of Sasori, who was gnashing his teeth in annoyance.

"Now Sasori," said Pein warningly. "Say thank you."

"Thanks," he gritted out, almost ripping the book in half.

"Ahem, who's next?" asked Pein. "Kisame, how about you?"

Kisame got up, holding something behind his back. "I got Tobi's name," said the shark man. Tobi jumped up in excitement at this and skipped on over to Kisame. "I wanna see my present! Where is my present? Is it behind your back?"

"Yeah, now shut up you little runt,"growled Kisame. Tobi obeyed obediently and stood in front of him teetering on his toes. Kisame rolled his eyes and pulled his hand out from behind his back to reveal a lollipop. A lollipop which had a piece of hair stuck on it. A lollipop that he had most likely found on the floor somewhere minutes before it was time to give out presents.

"Uh here. I got you a lollipop, er cause it reminded me of your face-um mask thingy. Don't mind the hair."

Tobi was more than happy to get a lollipop, even one that had been on the floor for God knows how long. He jumped up and gave the shark man a tight hug, shouting, "Thank you! Thank you! You're so kind!" After releasing the disgruntled shark man he stuck the used, dropped on the floor, lollipop into his mouth.

_Eww_, was the thought that went through everyone's mind as they saw this.

"Er, next?" asked Pein, slightly grossed out at the disgusting looking lollipop that Tobi continued to suck on. Pein sighed when none of them got up, "Why don't you go, Konan?"

"Who the fuck is Konan?" came an obnoxious voice from across the room. Pein was taken aback by his abrupt interruption.

"I'm sorry what?" asked Pein.

"Who the_ fuck_ is Konan?" drawled Hidan, stretching out the word 'fuck'. Kakuzu slapped himself on the forehead in frustration and pointed to the blue-haired woman, "_This_ is Konan, you fucking retard. Leader-sama's partner!"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa! _Pein's ho has a name_??" exclaimed Hidan in surprise.

Silence befell the room again and the only sound heard was the sickening crack of Konan's head snapping up and snarling viciously. Pein tried his best to keep her at bay as she growled warningly at Hidan. Kakuzu gaped open-mouthed at his partner in utter disbelief.

"You're shitting me, right?" Kakuzu asked in all seriousness turning full on to face his dumb twit of a partner. Unbeknown to either one of them there was quite a struggle between Pein and his ho- um I mean Konan as she tried to claw her way through.

"Cause I've just been calling her Pein's ho this whole time," continued Hidan, putting one hand on his hips while his other hand waved dramatically illustrating his point.

"DIE MOTHERFUCKER!" came the battle cry of Konan as she released herself from Pein's constraints and launched herself onto the platinum-blond haired man. The following that ensued was censored in consideration of the queasy and slight-hearted. In all, there was much hacking and bloodshed, too much in fact, even for the masochistic Jashinist believer.

It was when Hidan screamed, "Oh. My. Fucking. Gawd!!"-in between getting his dismembered head smashed into the ground- "SOMEONE SAVE ME FROM THIS CRAZY BITCH!!" that the rest of the Akatsuki members decided to help him out.

It took four Akatsuki members to hold back the incensed female who was still snarling and hissing at the man. There was a brief moment where Kakuzu sat down and sewed all of Hidan's body parts back together grumbling and muttering, "About time someone beat the living shit out of you...I should just sew your lips together that would save us all the trouble and bloodshed..." And it took another hour for Hidan to get scrubbed clean of the blood splattered all over his body.

Finally after everything was done with, a very disheveled and scratched up Pein finally got Konan to calm down for her to be civil enough so that she could give her 'secret santa' her present. She got up from her seat, with an irritated look on her face."I got Itachi," she said simply.

She walked over to the Uchiha and handed him a bag. Itachi peered inside it and narrowed his eyes as he saw a number of beauty products wrapped in pink bows. He looked at Konan in question. She answered, "I found you stealing my..._stuff..._ so I decided to get you your own."

Itachi hissed out a thanks and went to his seat. Kisame leaned over and asked in a sing-song voice, "So what did you get?" to which Itachi sent him a death glare.

"Who wants to go next?" asked Pein.

"I'll go," said Deidara standing up. "I got Konan, un." He reached out from behind him and whipped out a huge basket filled with what looked to be...-ahem- _feminine products_.

He lugged the huge basket filled with tampons, pads among other unmentionables. There seemed to be several huge slabs of Belgium chocolates in there too. It was heaven for a woman on her time of the month. "I know we keep changing bases and everything so you wouldn't have had enough time to buy your 'feminine' things," said Deidara unabashedly. The last thing, as a guy who wants to keep his balls in tact, you want to tell a woman on her period is, that she's on her period. Especially in front of a room full of guys. The roaring dragon that was Konan on her period, started to rear up again.

"Plus the chocolates seem to ease your craziness-I mean mood," he added as a hurried afterthought, after seeing Konan lower lip start to snarl. Konan was about to snap Deidara neck in two but stopped when he mentioned 'chocolates'. She loved chocolates, especially during this particular time.

"Thank you, that was very...sweet of you," she said with a grateful smile. Pein huffed smugly beside her, "You know _I _was the one who gave him that idea-"

"Shut up!" she snapped at her partner with a snarl. Yes, it was best not to piss off a temperamental woman with mood swings. Pein sat back down with a pout and sulked. Konan snatched the basket from Deidara's hands and quickly ripped away at the cellophane. Grabbing at a huge slab of Belgium chocolate, she devoured it at almost the same speed as Naruto did with his precious ramen.

"Er okay" said Pein giving Konan a weird look as she had a mini orgasm after eating the chocolate. "How about you go next, Zetsu?"

"Alright," said Zetsu. He took out a round looking thing wrapped in newspaper from inside his robe. "I got Kisame's name."

He turned to Kisame and handed it over to him. Kisame eyed the globe-like thing with apprehension. He opened it slowly and stated, "It's a fishbowl."

"Yes."

"Where's the fish?"

"I ate it."

"Huh," said Kisame simply and sat down in his chair with his fish-less fishbowl. Itachi gave him a sneering look as Kisame brooded darkly beside him.

"Next?" asked Pein looking around the room. "Ah, Kakuzu, you go next."

"I got your name, Leader-sama" said Kakuzu reaching inside his robe. He pulled out a piece of paper and handed it to him.

"What is it?" deadpanned Pein.

"Open it up," said Kakuzu. Pein slowly unfolded it with disinterest. "It's a paper crown!"

"A what?" asked Pein in utter stupefication.

"You know, since you want to be king of the world and what-not. Aren't you glad I saved a lot of money by making you one out of paper instead of buying you a real one?" said Kakuzu with glee.

"Kakuzu, is this toilet paper?"

"No, no" said Kakuzu shaking his head. He then coughed and said, "Maybe."

"Anyways," said Pein rolling his eyes. "I'll go next. I got Zetsu's name."

He pulled out a lumpy looking wrapped present and handed it to Zetsu. Zetsu opened it up to find a cactus, which he promptly ate.

Pein winced slightly and asked, "But isn't that...?"

"Cannibalism?"

"Um..yeah."

"So? I eat humans too," said Zetsu casually, rubbing his stomach.

"Alright then," said Pein paling slightly. "How about you, Sasori?"

Sasori got up and said, "I got him" pointing at Deidara and shoving his present into his hands. Deidara quickly ripped through the gift wrap and looked dumbfounded at his present.

"It's called play-doh" explained Sasori exasperatedly. When Deidara still looked at him with a blank look on his face, he rolled his eyes and continued, "It's kind of like clay except it has many different colors. Plus it's non-toxic so it's okay to swallow it."

"_Ohh_! How sweet!" shrieked Deidara positively joyous over his wonderful present, jumping on Sasori to give him a hug. "Thank you, Sasori-danna!"

"Get. Off. Me." Sasori ground out.

"Well then," said Pein looking at the two people that were left, Itachi and Hidan. He was gonna call out Itachi's name when Hidan surprisingly got up and said, "My turn!" He then muttered something akin to "I won't be last this time!"

"I got my bastard of a partner here" said Hidan sticking a thumb at Kakuzu. "Unlike all of you losers, I actually got a worthwhile gift," he said smugly. He handed Kakuzu the nicely wrapped present with an elegant bow on top of it. The first thing that Kakuzu did was rip through the beautifully wrapped present like a machine. His jaw dropped in horror as he saw what his present was.

"You got me a fucking _purse_?!" bellowed Kakuzu incredulously. The other members sniggered openly at this.

"Ah, correction, it's a _man_-purse," said Hidan smugly.

"It's a fucking _purse_! What the hell am I gonna do with a _girly purse_?!" Kakuzu roared at him.

"It's not girly, the woman that sold me this said it was unisex!" Hidan shouted back at him. "And you're gonna put your money in it, duh! What else are you gonna put in purs- I mean man purse."

"IT'S A PURSE!!" Kakuzu yelled smacking Hidan with his purse, his _manly_ purse. "Tell me...tell me how much you paid for this shit."

"Only 250 bucks," replied Hidan. "The woman said it was good deal and that my partner would love it. But noo, I forgot to mention that my partner is an ungrateful bastard!"

"250 DOLLARS?!" Kakuzu clutched one of his five hearts as if he was having a heart attack. "Ah damn, there goes another one. Wait a minute- partner. Oh please don't tell me you..."

"I what?" asked Hidan.

"When you said 'partner' did you mention that I was a male and _not_ a female?!"

"Of course I did!" said Hidan. "What do you think I am, stupid?"

"Yes, but that's not the point. What did the woman say when you told her I was male," asked Kakuzu in frustration.

"She said something about 'whatever floats my boat' or some weird shit like that. I don't even have a boat in the first place, so I don't know what the fuck she was talking about" said Hidan shaking his head.

Kakuzu's left eye was twitching uncontrollably now."I'm going to kill him," he turned and told the Akatsuki members. "I'm going to fucking kill him. So don't you dare stop me when I do!"

Hidan was about to face near death for the second time that day. Er, that is if he could ever die that is. If he could die, he would have been dead the moment he opened that pretty little mouth of his.

It took Hidan's foolish goading of "Oh yeah, bitch? Let's go motherfucker. I buy you a fucking present and I don't even get a simple 'thank you'? See if I buy you another fucking present again. It was a good thing I used your credit card or else I would've gone and wasted my money for nothing" for Kakuzu to whip out his tendrils and start to choke him very painfully.

"ENOUGH!" screamed Pein, his chest rising up and down in a fury. "This whole thing was supposed to be a pleasant event where we learn to respect each other! But now it's just become a big pain in the ass! Screw all of you, you could all kill each other for all I care!" With that he stormed out of the room. There was an uncomfortable silence that was left in his wake only to be broken by Hidan's loud voice, "Well, I could have told you this was a dumbass idea from the beginning! But _noo_, you didn't want to listen to me" Hidan mocked as Kakuzu continued to choke his neck.

The other members rolled their eyes and slowly made their way to the door. Kakuzu released his partner's neck and deemed it worthless to try to beat some sense into him. Hidan continued to blather on even after everyone had left his side until he noticed that he hadn't gotten _his_ present.

"Wait, you sneaky bastards! Where's my present, huh?!" he yelled. "I know one of you fuckfaces got my name so cough up my present, bitches! Where do you think you're going?! Come back here you assholes! Are you even listening to me?!"

He stomped over to the door and blocked the path. "Now I want to know who the fuck got my name so that I can get my present!!" he whined stomping his feet.

"Figure it out for yourself, you idiot" snarled Kakuzu.

"Shut up, Kakuzu!" snapped Hidan. "Now let's see, just about everyone had already went up and gave their presents...that is...all except _you_!" He pointed at Itachi who looked at him with a blank stare.

"Dun, dun, dun!" added Tobi for dramatic effect. Deidara smacked him upside the head and said, "You moron!"

Hidan stomped his way up to Itachi, getting all up in his face. Their heights were evenly matched and his nose was almost touching the Uchiha's. If this was a western there would have been a random tumbleweed blowing past them by now. Dark gray eyes pierced into blood red ones in a heated glare. They were in a standstill for a couple of minutes before Itachi made a slight movement with his eyes breaking their locked gaze. The minuscule movement was missed by the Akatsuki members but not by Hidan for he was standing right in front of him. _Is it just me... or did he just give me a look over?_

Hidan finally found his voice and opened his mouth, "So, my present?"

Itachi didn't move or say anything. There was another flicker of movement in his eyes. This time Hidan made sure not to miss it. It was quite certain now that Itachi had just _checked him out_, namely his bare chest. Of all times, Hidan was beginning to realize how naked he was especially under the penetrating gaze of the Sharingan holder, which was now most definitely fixed upon his naked chest. Wait a minute, is that an actual smile on Itachi's face?

The red-eyed raven slowly drug his eyes up his chest and now stared intently at his lips, devouring it with his eyes. A pink tongue flicked out from Hidan's mouth wetting his fast-drying mouth. The 'smile' on Itachi's face was growing ever bigger. Those eyes went back up to meet his eyes. Hidan swallowed an imaginary lump in his throat as Itachi continued to pierce into him with his gaze. The raven finally opened his mouth and said, "Your present?"

"Uh..yeah" stuttered Hidan despite himself.

"I didn't get you one."

Hidan blinked stupidly, his jaw fell somewhere on the floor along with all his hopes and dreams. For once in his life he did not have a smart or obscene retort to that. He was left gaping like a fish out of water looking about ready to cry at his hopes being crushed.

"What do you mean you didn't get me one?!" screamed Hidan positively livid. He went after the Uchiha and grabbed him by the shoulder whirling him around. Just as he was about to scream in his face, he found himself being slammed against the wall.

The hand that was on Itachi's shoulder was held tightly above Hidan's head. Hidan made to sock him in the face but that hand got captured too. The Uchiha grinned down at him, despite appearances, he was in fact a lot stronger than the whiny blond. Hidan wasn't really skilled in Taijutsu or anything since he was immortal and didn't need any of that. Except of course, now, when it could have come in useful. That lazy moron.

Hidan struggled against the raven-haired man but Itachi made no move to relinquish his hold. In fact he seemed to be amused by it and let out a little chuckle.

"What the fuck are you laughing,you son of a bitch?" growled Hidan threateningly. But Itachi just tsked and said in a breathy voice, "You've got quite a dirty mouth, Hidan. Naughty boys like you need to be _punished_."

Oh yes, pissing off an Uchiha is never good idea either, since they can be just as bitchy as a menstrual woman.

"Wha-" said Hidan nervously. Itachi was seriously starting to scare him the look that he was giving him. The wheels on Itachi's Sharingan started to spin and Hidan felt himself getting lost in it and losing all sense of his surrounding. The Sharingan hypnotized his eyes, keeping them fixated on the red wheels and nothing else. He felt himself getting dizzy and sick from staring too intensely into those twin red orbs. A paralyzing tingle spread throughout his body until finally all the feelings of unease stopped.

The nauseating reaction he had before quickly dissipated and he could move his body again. The first thing to register through his mind was that his body was cold, especially his ass. Why the heck was his _ass_ cold?

He blinked at the crimson eyes before him. _This isn't the base. Where the hell am I?_ Hidan turned his head and saw an endless mass of black. His eyes came back to where Itachi was standing. Itachi smirked at him and said, "We are in an alternate dimension where all time and space is irrelevent. You will be in here with me for the next 72 hours."

_Oh shit,_ thought Hidan as he saw Itachi coming closer to him. He stepped away from him cautiously until the back of his knee hit something and he toppled backward. He landed on something soft and silky. As he shifted from that uncomfortable position, he felt his ass rub against the silky material beneath him. It was then that he realized exactly why his ass was cold.

He looked down in horror and saw that he was wearing _black, leather, ass-less chaps_. Not only was it his pants that adorned in black leather, he was wearing some sort of slutty leather bustier. _What the fucking hell is this shit?!_

That wasn't the last of it. He found that he was laying on a round love bed with silky, red, satin sheets with fucking rose petals scattered all over it.

"Eek!" screamed Hidan when he looked up and found Itachi closer than he would have liked. He quickly scrambled backward looking for an escape but the next thing he knew there were ropes around his hands and feet keeping him in place.

Itachi had climbed up on bed and was straddling Hidan now. He smirked down at him with a superior look on his face. He leaned over and whispered in his ear, "I'm gonna fuck you so bad you will wish to your Jashin-sama that I don't ever get around doing this to you in real life. Now prepare to get fucked like you will ever get in all your immortal life."

"What the fu-" was the last word that Hidan had said before in one swift moment his ass-less leather chaps were ripped off of his body.

The first few minutes of the impending 72 hours went a little something like this:

_"WHAT THE FUCKING HELL?! HOW DARE YOU FANTASIZE ABOUT ME IN A THONG!?"_

_"YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE, GIVE ME BACK MY THONG!!"_

_"ACK! YOU FUCKING CREEP, IS THAT LUBE!?"_

_"OHMIGAWD! I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU JUST PUT YOUR FINGER THERE!!"_

_"AHH, ITACHI, THIS ACTUALLY FEELS KIND OF GOOD. WAIT A MINUTE-EEP!! WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU GETTING NAKED FOR!? NO, IS THAT WHAT I THINK IT IS? OH SHI-"_

-x-x-x-

What happened afterwards was just as Itachi had declared, the most fucked Hidan had ever gotten. Itachi's cock rammed into him more in those three days than Hidan had ever cursed in his whole life and _that's_ saying something. They had done it in so many different positions and ways that even the guy who wrote the Kama Sutra would have taken some notes. Of course, the guy who had wrote the Kama Sutra had never been graced with the powers of bending time and space like Itachi did or had used a shadow clone in _that_ fashion like Itachi did.

So what did Itachi do to Hidan in that alternate dimension?

The world may never know...

* * *

_**Fucked...literally.**_

What was three whole days of fucking in Itachi's world was only about three seconds in the real world. Kisame counted it off with his fingers until finally Hidan's scream signaled the end of the Genjutsu. What caught the attention of the Akatsuki members was that it wasn't a scream of pain, it was one of utmost _pleasure_.

"Ahh...Itachi!!" Hidan opened his hazy, lust ridden eyes and gazed Itachi's slightly amused ones. He then turned ten shades of red when he found out he was back at the base. _Oh_ _fuck_ _no_.

Itachi had already abandoned him in his embarrassed state and walked out the door leaving Hidan looking like a complete moron with a hard-on. That day was the first day that Hidan was pretty sure he was about absolutely die from shame. But instead of laughing at his misery like they would usually do, the Akatsuki members actually had a look of pity on their faces. Hidan was getting quite creeped out by the looks of sympathy they shot at him.

Kisame broke the rather awkward silence with his cough and said, "Um damn...I feel really sorry for you. I mean shit, if Itachi has his eyes on you, you're gonna have a sore ass for a really long time." The other members nodded and murmured their agreement.

"Wha-what's that supposed to mean?!" asked a frightened Hidan, as he slowly turned his head towards Kisame with a look of absolute terror.

Even Kakuzu seemed to feel sorry for him somewhat and decided to go easy on him."You know it was only sooner or later that someone was gonna fuck you over, what with you prancing around like a merry tard with your shirtless body."

Hidan choked from his shock and screamed, "Did you just call me a..._merry_ _tard_?" He burst out in giggles and the others couldn't help but join in on the laughter. But the merriness was short-lived as Itachi came back into the room with the slam of the door. He had in his hand what looked to be a _whip_. Kakuzu quickly turned to Hidan and said, "Hidan, I suggest you run."

He didn't need to told twice. But unfortunately Hidan wasn't fast enough for the mighty Uchiha because before he could even move one foot he found himself being pulled by the back of his robe. Itachi dragged him out the room while he kicked and screamed and begged.

Itachi just sneered and said, "Remember when I said you had better pray to your Jashin-sama that I don't do the things I did to you in the Tsukiyomi in real life?"

"Yeah," stammered a terrified Hidan.

"Well, you better start praying."

"Oh shi-"

_Fin_

* * *

So you must be all wondering what compelled me to write this terribly, crackish fanfic?

Simple. I did it for the lulz.

Review please?


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